a couple of weeks ago, i had a friend say something along the lines of "clearly the Lord knows you're strong enough to go through this, because i am not strong enough…" and i didn't really know what to say. i don't know if i would consider myself strong having to go through trials that life throws our way.
ours happens to be infertility at the moment. for so long i've struggled privately about it before we ever even told some of our family members. we still haven't told all of them. it took me about 2 years to even tell the ones we did. i have many reasons for keeping it private and sometimes i regret telling some of the people that we have. for so long, i guess i was in denial that we were actually having trouble. other times, so many of our friends were starting families and i didn't want to be treated differently just because people don't know how to act around those struggling with infertility. i don't blame them. i wouldn't know how to be around others struggling if i hadn't struggled, myself.
i really just want to be treated normal. i don't want you to feel guilty for expressing how hard parenting is around me, out of fear that i'm judging you or thinking that you are ungrateful for your children. i'm not thinking anything close to that. i am the youngest of 13 children and have 6 sisters along with a host of sister-in-laws that have had no problem conceiving. after all, i am the proud aunt of 36 nieces and nephews! my sisters call me all the time to tell me about the good, bad, and in-between of parenting. not once, have i thought that they are ungrateful or terrible mothers because of the difficult days.
i'm fine being around your children. really. i don't envy you or wish your children were mine. i'm actually happy that you are able to experience the joy of being a mother. i may wish that when you announce your pregnancy, that i could announce one as well, but know that i would never wish infertility on anyone. not even my worst enemy. and please know, that it's ok to invite me to your kid's birthday party, play date, or just to hang out with you and your kids! it's also nice to just have one on one girl time. i think it's healthy for you and me! ;)
anyway, my husband and i have officially been trying to conceive for almost 4 1/2 years. i never imagined we would have to face this struggle. i honestly didn't even know how common it is. 1 in every 8 couples struggle with infertility. i was diagnosed with PCOS about 2 years ago. it sucks. i think it was easier in the beginning to cling to the hope of becoming a mother, but as time has passed, it has gotten so much more difficult. it's getting more difficult. one of the primary reasons my husband left his career in education for his current position in sales that moved us to OK, was simply because of the opportunity to make more money so that we could move forward with more aggressive fertility treatments.
one of the biggest things that has gotten us through, thus far is our faith. that doesn't mean that i haven't questioned God's love for me or what i believe entirely, but it does mean that i know God is the giver and author of life and that his plans are better than anything we could imagine for ourselves. sure i have a lot more difficult days than better days, but i try to keep the bigger picture in mind. so often it's easy to lose sight of the "big picture" because of the daily struggles that seem so overwhelming and too big to even get through the day. my husband has been my rock during those days. the days that all i can do is cry in his arms because i feel so broken. i feel so inadequate. i feel like i am the blame for him not being a father. (i know he's going to make an amazing daddy someday.) my husband has held me together when i feel like i'm falling apart. and he's the reminder that God has already been so gracious to me in allowing me to be his wife. he's already given me so much more than i could have ever hoped for in giving me my best friend to do life with. there's no one in this world i'd rather have by my side. i'd rather go through hard times with matthew, than good times with anyone else.
i guess the point of this blog post is that although i may seem put-together and strong on the outside, there is so much more of the struggle that is unseen. i wouldn't say that God knew/knows i'm strong enough to go through this, but instead that he simply gives me the strength that i need daily to continue through this. somedays, i don't even know how i get through the really hard days, but i do. one day at a time.
